He broke my heart and I couldn’t feel anymore. I was happy I was no longer a puppet attached to some strings, but that exact thing that I was happy to rid, is what I needed, more than I knew.
I was so happy to have no obligations to anyone anymore. I could go out when I wanted, date who I wanted, hell; I could snapchat, facetime, facebook, text, and call who I wanted, and at first it felt great. Fantastic even. That didn’t last long.
After Jack and I broke up, I talked to Axel. Axel was away at college, “non-exclusively” dating a girl from his hometown, where I currently lived. Her name was Molly. Molly was pretty, smart, but also still attached to her ex, Abdul. Abdul used to have a crush on me, sometimes when he randomly messages me I still get those butterflies in my stomach, but he was my best-friend’s (ex-best friend now) cousin. So I never pursued that avenue. Anyways, Axel was the guy you called at 2 in the morning when you were drunk and needed some serious attention, he was usually drunk at that time too, so the conversations led to..well.. I’ll leave that up to your imagination. Axel and I had high-school crushes on each other and held hands in the hallways. One night while Axel and Molly were in a fight, he called me drunk as a sailor and talked with me for about an hour, he told me he still to this day has no idea why he didn’t kiss me ‘that one time I walked him to his bus’. I have a thing for guys who remember the little things.
Then there was Aaron. Aaron and I met way before I even met Jack. Aaron and I had the same counselor. Group therapy sessions were also a thing for us at the time. With that being said, we really understood the ins-and-outs of each others lives, emotions, and actions. Which was soothing and yet uncomfortable at the same time. One thing I will always hang onto with Aaron is the fact that he was always so sweet, caring, understanding, and damn he knew how to make a girl feel special. The one night I spent the night at his house after my mom had locked me out, I couldn’t fall asleep, and he came into the extra bed his mom made up for me, laid behind me and soothed me to sleep with the trace of his fingertips just above my hip. I have a thing for sweet touches.
There was Major. Oh my. Major was straight up husband material. Caring, kind, smart, masculine (in all the right ways), sexual, domestic, motivated, driven -simply put Major was the whole package. As my luck goes, I met the right guy at the wrong time. He was the only semi-healthy one. Mentally speaking. He was stable, secure, and a great young man. He was the one that got you out of bed in the morning. He was the one you wanted in your bed late at night, doing unspeakable things to each other. I have a thing for rough guys.
There was Zander. Zander and I met through a friend my freshman year. Zander was the guy I thought was my soul mate. My sweet innocence and his hardcore rebel, oh we fit so wrong in all the right ways. I was kryptonite and he was Superman, or at least I thought so. He was away for a while, we wrote each other a couple times. Always in different places, not only in a geographical sense, but we were never at the same stages of our lives at the same time, and that caused a strain on whatever we “had” for the moment. God did I crave him though. His thoughts were invigorating, his words were unspeakable, and with the distance between us, his touch was only imaginable. We would come back into each others lives time and time again, never lasting, and in a sense I think we both knew that, and that was all right for us, we would come and go. That’s all we were, to each other, pit stops on the way to wherever we were headed at the time. I have a thing for stopping and smelling the flowers.