How do you “adult”? 

I’m having a very hard time adulting. I believe most of Generation X is still trying to figure it out.

So picture this. A 20 year old, attractive, female, smart, level-headed. 

 Ok now get this.

Bought her first car on her own when she was 18, a year later it broke and had a hard time finding a job because her mom was dedicated to her grandkids. Finds a new job at 19 but is sexually harassed, quits said job. Finds a new job, job pays well, buys new car on a loan, is fired for calling out one of the managers on illegal things Manager was doing. 

Endless stream of not being happy and involved in hostile workplaces because people are straight up scummy. Typically the generation right before GenX. 

Girls moves into a house with her boyfriend and his brother that their family bought for us to rent out. 

Girl is struggling to pay for car parts, groceries, feminine products, and general necessities. Girl puts those things on a credit card, frequently pays minimum. Girl maxes out credit cards. Girl can no longer pay minimums on credit cards and still can’t afford groceries,etc

What the hell is a girl to do?! 

Im struggling to write this because there’s a lot more involved. 

This story happens to be more than real. I have been sobbing the entire time writing this. I didn’t get a break, I still can’t catch one. But I’m trying

And I can tell you, I’m poor. I don’t come from a poor family, I don’t come from a wealthy family either. But when you have no available resources, what do you do?! Please someone I need guidance, I need hope. I need to know that there ARE better days. 



Sit here and contemplate,

I realize that you are my only escape.

I fall into the depths,

And wonder what i would become, without.

Trying to fathom is trying, to imagine.

can’t do that without a sip

I need you, But who ?

Falling into an abyss

the only one that’s ever been missed,

Been missed

Collecting in the drains

Falling, it is rain

Never have been so paralyzed

Never seen such beautiful eyes

Such deep curious grey skies

Lights are on,

Walking through the house.

Never more in need,

Never more displeased.

Searching for an answer,

All i can find is dispair.

Where art thou my dear.

Where art thou my dear.

Flames rising from the ashes,

Looking still no answers.

Smoke fills the room,

Cloudy dazed and blue.


Long Nights and Early Mornings

Working for a new company can be difficult, working for an old company with a new owner can be even more difficult. Through trial and error you see what works and what doesn’t, especially in the restaurant business.

About a month ago, I started working for a company which I’ll call Heavenly Chicken, to protect the business. Heavenly Chicken has had several owners over the course of the past few years and was bought by the current owner in late last year, it is now Mid-January and I’ve been (burdened) as the new manager. I wouldn’t use the word burdened if I didn’t mean it. I love the place don’t get me wrong, but the owner has no clue what he’s doing.
He’s a felon with the hopes of making this place work. A few years ago he got caught up on some drug charges and did some jail and prison time, which is why he bought Heavenly Chicken; since every company is not jumping at the chance to have someone with a bad-rap and a record on their side of the fence. Anyways, I’ve been thrown into a position where, I need a stable income with a flexible boss whilst trying to cope with my relationship problems and mental stability. I’ve got that, somewhat, here’s where the catch is, I’m getting paid barely over minimum wage to do what a CEO does. Marketing, managing, inventory, payroll, making company decisions, creating and changing the menu, and communicating business strategies and implementing new ideas with the owner. I’m over worked and under paid, to say the least. Coping with the disgusting atmosphere, and poor-attituded co-workers that are just riding the waves instead of uplifting the business, I’m stuck with my bullshit wage and ever dependent boss/owner.


When Things Went Left & Right Part I

He broke my heart and I couldn’t feel anymore. I was happy I was no longer a puppet attached to some strings, but that exact thing that I was happy to rid, is what I needed, more than I knew.

I was so happy to have no obligations to anyone anymore. I could go out when I wanted, date who I wanted, hell; I could snapchat, facetime, facebook, text, and call who I wanted, and at first it felt great. Fantastic even. That didn’t last long.

After Jack and I broke up, I talked to Axel. Axel was away at college, “non-exclusively” dating a girl from his hometown, where I currently lived. Her name was Molly. Molly was pretty, smart, but also still attached to her ex, Abdul. Abdul used to have a crush on me, sometimes when he randomly messages me I still get those butterflies in my stomach, but he was my best-friend’s (ex-best friend now) cousin. So I never pursued that avenue. Anyways, Axel was the guy you called at 2 in the morning when you were drunk and needed some serious attention, he was usually drunk at that time too, so the conversations led to..well.. I’ll leave that up to your imagination. Axel and I had high-school crushes on each other and held hands in the hallways.  One night while Axel and Molly were in a fight, he called me drunk as a sailor and talked with me for about an hour, he told me he still to this day has no idea why he didn’t kiss me ‘that one time I walked him to his bus’. I have a thing for guys who remember the little things.

Then there was Aaron. Aaron and I met way before I even met Jack. Aaron and I had the same counselor. Group therapy sessions were also a thing for us at the time. With that being said, we really understood the ins-and-outs of each others lives, emotions, and actions. Which was soothing and yet uncomfortable at the same time. One thing I will always hang onto with Aaron is the fact that he was always so sweet, caring, understanding, and damn he knew how to make a girl feel special. The one night I spent the night at his house after my mom had locked me out, I couldn’t fall asleep, and he came into the extra bed his mom made up for me, laid behind me and soothed me to sleep with the trace of his fingertips just above my hip. I have a thing for sweet touches.

There was Major. Oh my. Major was straight up husband material. Caring, kind, smart, masculine (in all the right ways), sexual, domestic, motivated, driven -simply put Major was the whole package. As my luck goes, I met the right guy at the wrong time. He was the only semi-healthy one. Mentally speaking. He was stable, secure, and a great young man. He was the one that got you out of bed in the morning. He was the one you wanted in your bed late at night, doing unspeakable things to each other. I have a thing for rough guys.

There was Zander. Zander and I met through a friend my freshman year. Zander was the guy I thought was my soul mate. My sweet innocence and his hardcore rebel, oh we fit so wrong in all the right ways. I was kryptonite and he was Superman, or at least I thought so. He was away for a while, we wrote each other a couple times. Always in different places, not only in a geographical sense, but we were never at the same stages of our lives at the same time, and that caused a strain on whatever we “had” for the moment. God did I crave him though. His thoughts were invigorating, his words were unspeakable, and with the distance between us, his touch was only imaginable. We would come back into each others lives time and time again, never lasting, and in a sense I think we both knew that, and that was all right for us, we would come and go. That’s all we were, to each other, pit stops on the way to wherever we were headed at the time. I have a thing for stopping and smelling the flowers.

As New Years Go

As new years go, a lot of individuals like to set “New Years Resolutions” that don’t make it through poor February. It only has 28 days, 29 on a leap year, and most of you give up half-way through. It’s not February’s fault you’re not committed.

Well, enough about February. This year I’m not doing that pointless bullsh*t. In leu of all that, I’m saving February’s reputation and setting goals for myself. I’m ending the #NewYearNewMe sh*t before it starts.

I’ll be adding to this list periodically but heres a few to start:

  • Do yoga 3x per week (I’m already failing miserably)
  • Take my medications every day like I’m supposed to (also failing at, hence me writing at 2 AM, but I’m getting better)
  • Pay all bills on time
  • Save more money instead of buying pointless bullshit
  • Live more “in the moment” (instead of in my head with my BFFs anxiety and depression)
  • Write more

And like I said, I’ll be adding more periodically, but HEY! it’s a start…..right?